FEARS

Everybody has fears. Everybody has something to be scared about. Yes, there are people who they say are "fearless" or even "dauntless" (haha. sorry. Divergent fan here. hahaha) but they'r just the people who aren't afraid to face their fears in life. 

I have fears. Damn, I'm afraid of everything. Everything has always a negative side. I fear most things. I'm afraid of death (all kinds of death), spirits, dolls, clowns, crazy people, my mom, myself, the color purple (sorry for those purple-loving people), love, falling in love, birth, blood, horrifying screams, horror movies, hell, skulls, sexual abuse, wild animals, anger, spiders, failure, cemeteries, accident, criticism, nudity, bad sounds & bad music. See? I have a lot of fears. 

I also have the most common phobia in the world. Acrophobia which is the fear of heights and Basiphobia/Basophobia which is the fear of falling. It's not the actual height measurement that I'm afraid of. It's when you're in the highest point of the building and you look down and you see how you are from the ground. Yeah. That's scary. And I really hate falling. Falling hurts. Really bad. I hate gravity. But if it wasn't for gravity, we will be all floating in space.

I also have Lygophobia which is the fear of darkness. Especially when I'm alone, I hate the dark. I just can't see anything. This fear of mine developed because of watching to much horror movies (that's also why I'm afraid of horror movies). I just feel like somebody's going to touch me or something bad's gonna happen in the dark.

I also have Monophobia which the fear of being alone. Again, because of the thing happening in horror movies. And I have this experience that I was home alone and someone was saying "Mommy" repeatedly and the voice was coming from the kitchen but I was home ALONE. So it was pretty scary. 

Finally, I have Athazagoraphobia which is the fear of being forgotten, ignored, forgetting or being left behind. This kinda started and developed when my dad left for Macau. Since then, I always thought that he has forgotten us so yeah. I hate people ignoring me and forgetting about me. I don't like being left behind. That scares me. Because that only means that I'm not good enough (somewhat like that). Eventually, every single person in my life is going to leave me because I'm not worth it or I'm not good enough so I'm going to die old and alone with 72 cats in my house. That's probably much it.

But I'm trying to be fearless. I want to face my fears and overcome them. Just like what Tris did in "Divergent", she overcame her six fears. There should be only one thing I should be afraid of and that is God. The greatest fear of all. 

But if I'm going to face my fears, I have to start now because I really have a lot of fears.

"Fear doesn't shut you down, it wakes you up"

~Tris Prior ("Divergent" By Veronica Roth)

Yours Truly,

CURIOSITY

BY ARTIST

Don't you get really pissed off whenever people judge you based on the artist you like? I have experienced that a lot of times. Like I want to make friends with someone, they will suddenly ask me who my favorite artist, then I will say my fave artists then they were kinda somewhat disgusted by me because they're my favorite artists. They didn't say they were disgusted by me but I can see it in their faces.

Like whenever I say I like Taylor Swift. Yes, THE Taylor Swift that dated almost 10 guys in the 8 years being in the music industry and THE Taylor Swift that writes songs about her ex-boyfriends and THE Taylor Swift that everyone calls a slut. People always think that when you're a Swiftie, you're just like Taylor Swift. They expect you to also write songs about your love life or be obsessed with your guy or date a lot of guys for a short period of time. Like they think that those are the things that you like about that specific artist. I always hear/reas things like "Why do you even like her? She's such a slut".

Didn't they think that these things are just like 10% of her being? There is so much more. Yeah, Taylor Swift writes about break-up but she has written more love songs than break-up songs. She has written more good things about her exes than the bad things. She has inspired people to love. And so what if she writes about her exes? Like Ed Sheeran and Bruno Mars writes songs about their relationships but they don't get hate like Taylor Swift. (Watch THIS VIDEO to get what I mean). 

What I'm trying to say is it's not good to judge or measure someone based on what fandom they're in or by the artist they like. Always remember that they fell in love with the music first. It's all about the songs. Just because somebody likes One Direction or Justin Bieber or Ariana Grande or Selena Gomez, doesn't mean that they're already losers. Just because somebody doesn't have a good taste in music, doesn't mean that they don't fit in. Just because somebody has a different taste in music, doesn't mean you two can't be friends.

Be careful. Because you will never know. Maybe the music he/she listens to saved his/her own life. Just like the music you're listening saved your life.

All the symbols of my fave artists

Yours Truly,

CURIOSITY

SCHOOL STRESS

In your whole life, were you put in a situation that you want to do so many stuff but there are school things that you need to finish first? That feeling is the worst. You already drank a hundred gallons of coffee (I'm exaggerating, of course) just to keep yourself awake because you have to finish three projects that are due the next day and at the same time, you have to review for a quiz on a really major subject that is on the next day, too, and for the exams coming the next week. It's just stressing.

Especially, when you have to do a group project and some of your group mates aren't really participating in making the project (I'm not referring to anyone I know). Like seriously?! Ugh! What I'm trying to say is you should be ashamed of yourself because your group mates are doing their best to do the project so ALL OF YOU can have a good grade and you didn't even contributed to project but you'll still have a good grade. You don't deserve that good grade because you didn't do a single damn important thing. (Again, not referring to anyone)

And what about those teachers who think that we don't have enough work to do or think that we're lazy or whatever so they give us more work to do? Ugh! They're not the only ones who are tired. According to my experience, teachers will always complain that they're so tired because they talked, stood, computed, wrote and explained all day and that we're not tired because we just sit all day in the classroom. Oh come on! It's very tiring to sit all day. You get bored and hungry. You get tired of understanding things that you can't understand. And a lot more.

This school stress is killing me. Especially this past week because we had our exams. Like I slept only for 5 hours a day because of things to do and whatsoever. But in spite of all this stress, it will be worth it. After all that hard work, you will get your reward: A good grade. And in spite of the stress my teachers have given me, I'm still thankful for them because they're still determined to guide and teach us in school even though we have misbehaved a lot of times. All I am saying is this stress is worth it. 

Work hard. It will be all worth it someday. But if that someday comes, stay humble.

Yours Truly,
CURIOSITY

SONGS FOR YOU

You should know that I'm never gonna change. I'm always gonna stay. If you call for me, I'm right there. You're so different. No one compares.

But I think I should stop thinking about you all the time. Maybe this is what I needed. Maybe this is a sign. Maybe I've been blind to reality. Could you tell me, was it real or was it all in my head?

How soon do we forget how we felt? Deal with emotions that never left. Gonna stop pretending what we're ain't. Total waste of time. Can we please make up our minds? And stop acting like we're blind. I'll be saving my love for you. 'Cause you're the best mistake I ever made. 

I cried enough tears to see my own reflection in them. I guess you don't know what you got til' it's gone. I'm saying sorry for the sake of us. You were my everything. Now that's you're gone my heart is missing something.

I like to say we gave it a try. I like to blame it all on life. If I could change the world overnight, there'd be no such thing as goodbye. We'd get the chance we deserve. We almost knew what love was but almost is never enough.

It's no joke to me so can we do it all over again? I might miss everything you said to me.

Won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need. This ain't love it's clear to see. Darling, stay with me. Why am I so emotional? No it's not a good look, gain some self control. Deep down, I know this would never work. 

I hate to say I need. When it's so hard for me. And I hate to say I want you. When you make it so clear you don't want me. I'm so reliant. I'm so dependent. I'm such a fool. You will never know that feeling. You will never see through these eyes. I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say. You'd say "I'm sorry. Believe me, I love you but not in that way"

Songs used in this blog post: (Click on the title of the song to listen to whole song on Youtube)

RIGHT THERE by Ariana Grande feat. Big Sean

ALL IN MY HEAD by Tori Kelly

BEST MISTAKE by Ariana Grande feat. Big Sean

MY EVERYTHING by Ariana Grande

ALMOST IS NEVER ENOUGH by Ariana Grande feat. Nathan Sykes

OVER AGAIN by One Direction

STAY WITH ME by Sam Smith

NOT IN THAT WAY by Sam Smith

I'M A SINNER AND NOT A SAINT

Maybe all what you said were true. Or maybe I'm too affected in a way. I don't know. It always kills me. Whenever we argue and we don't fix it immediately, the situation always kills me from the inside. I'll have sleepless nights. I'll have tear-soaked pillows. I'll have unexplainable mood swings. Not being able to talk to you and/or not being able to fix things with you kills me inside out little by little.

Call me dramatic. It's okay. "Never hope for something out of this", said one of my friends. But I did. I promised I wouldn't but I did. I fell and I hoped. I have done so many things to myself that you can't imagine I would do. I always cry even though you keep saying that you don't want me to. It's so ironic that the person who tells you not to cry is one of the reasons why you're crying.

There are so many reasons why I don't want you to know about me. Why I don't want you to know what I feel. I kinda a stereotype judgement thing. I have fears. Fears that even I can't explain. Behind this sweet, innocent, kind, hopeful, optimistic facade of mine is a dark, cold, terrifying and bitter version of me. So I guess maybe [1]I'm a sinner and not a saint[1] afterall.

[1] Lyrics from: "Best Mistake" by Ariana Grande feat. Big Sean

HAPPY 2015

Ahhh. It's 2015. Another new year. Isn't that nice? Knowing that you still have a year to completely change your entire life. To change what and/or who you are in this world full of heartless and unfair freaks of nature. To really make yourself stand out and making your dreams come to life.

But seriously, I am sick and tired of this "New Year. New Me." shiz. I have seen a lot of tweets and posts that is similar to this tweet. And I totally can relate to those tweets and posts. Saying "New Year. New Me" is complete bullcrap. Why do you even have to say/tweet/post that?

Why? Don't you love your true self? Your true self got you where you are now and you're just gonna abandon it like some kind of ugly dog. You're just going to paint yourself with washable rainbow paint and impress people in the upper society class but when the rain pours, everyone will see the real you. Everyone will see the ugliness you kept so that you can "fit in" in this dark and cold society of ours. (Everything in this paragraph is a metaphor by that way)

But you know what? Who cares? Who cares if they see the real you? You should be proud of who and what you truly are. You should accept your flaws. Who ever said that you have to fit in? Most of the time, the greatest people in the world are those people who took the different road, took a different step from the usual. Those people who made their flaws their strengths. Those who didn't even dare to follow the crowd.

You are who you are. 

For me, I wouldn't change anything in me. Of course, I wouldn't stay the same either. I must have progress. I would only change for the betterment of myself. I will never change so I can fit in. Fitting in, for me, is very tiring. After some time, you'll get sick of it. 

I love myself. I wouldn't change anything for anything. I love who and what I am. I want to make myself BETTER and NOT NEW. So f*** all those "New Year. New Me" posts and tweets. It should be "New Year. Better Me.", don't you think?

What about you? Do you love who and what you are? Will you change yourself for the new year?

Yours Truly,

CURIOSITY